od honest
fellow too."

_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"

* * *

_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel
very bad, dear?"

_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I'm only dying."

* * *

_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"

_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"

_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."

_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."

* * *

_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear
father with quite the proper respect."

_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."

* * *

_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn't you manage one more _eclair?_"

_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I've no more room."

_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would
that help?"

_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make
the space at the wrong end."

* * *

_Vicar's Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"

_Ethel:_ "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for
his birthday."

_Vicar's Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"

_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's
friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the
author's compliments.'"

* * *

THE OBSTACLE

_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it
hadn't been for something she said."

_Fred:_ "What did she say?"

_George:_ "No!"

* * *

CHANGING THE SUBJECT

_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk
about myself all evening."

_He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."

_She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _you_ talk about me for a while."

* * *

"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you
mind taking a cheque for the tip?"

* * *

A CHANCE LOST

"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"

"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument
if he had said _which_ one."

* * *