I never wuz out of dis country in me life."

* * *

THE JONAH

"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the
story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story
teaches."

"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches
that you can't keep a good man down."

* * *

THE SUBSTITUTE

A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table
if he could have some poached eggs.

"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's
reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."

* * *

MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE

The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset.

Quoth she to a younger friend:

"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was
nothing but a hopeless old maid."

"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.

"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"

"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than
having her tell lies about you."

* * *

GOOD OR BAD TURN?

"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"

"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make
one think there's something wrong with it."

"What does it say, then?"

"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out."

* * *

TALKING SENSE

"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancee closer to him, "am I the
first man you have ever kissed?"

"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go
any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt,
fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times
over, aren't you?"

"Y-yes."

"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune
will be left to me?"

"Y-yes."

"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name
at the bank?"

"Y-yes."

"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"

"Y-yes."

"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million
dollars?"

"Y-yes."

"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"

"Y-yes."

"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to
you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I m