plied Pat.

"Well," said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one for
ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming,
two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"

"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"

"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all--at all," came the reply. "He kapes
the pawnshop!"

* * *

NOTHING NEW TO HIM

The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked
down a man without injuring him much.

She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to
the solid earth and faced him manfully.

"I'm sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your
fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver.
I've been driving a car for seven years."

"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've been
walking for fifty-seven years."

* * *

_Lady_ (_to pedlar_): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the
door."

_Pedlar:_ "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure,
appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices."

* * *

There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is
just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.

* * *

_Mother:_ It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.

_Humphrey_ (_aged five_): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that
man's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said it
aloud.

* * *

_She_ (_pouting_): You don't value my kisses as you used to.

_He:_ Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen
in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them
sufficient payment for a new dress.

* * *

KNOWLEDGE

The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had
attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were
discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv,
I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do."

"I'll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when
you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."

* * *

A HUMBLING