* * *

_She:_ Jack is in love with you.

_Her:_ Nonsense!

_She:_ That's what I said when I heard it.

_Her:_ How dared you!

* * *

_Professor_ (_endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic_):
Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?

_Senior:_ A professor!

* * *

A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:

"What's the name of this wheel?"

"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.

He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:

"Can you recommend the Belva?"

* * *

"What this country needs is more production."

"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight
trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more
enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."

* * *

BOTTLED COURAGE

"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"

"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This
stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."

* * *

"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause
him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.

"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said
Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."

* * *

IT WORKED

A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.

"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The
woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:

"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"

"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated.

"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the
scarlet fever, I think."

"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."

He turned to obey.

"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the
bread, said humbly:

"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"

"Get out of my shop."

He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently,
another mountain of misery joined him.

"Well, Bill?" he said.

"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it
fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."