hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three
times for profiteering."

* * *

SANDY SCORED

A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:

"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight,
like me?"

"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"

"I do," said the laird.

"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an'
that the empty yins stand up."

* * *

WITH A RESERVATION

"Miss Smith--Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is
something I want to tell you--something that I----"

"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a
bored expression on her face.

The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple.
"It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly.
"Could you--do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"

"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too
much like you!"

* * *

TOO SMART

A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some
"welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the
prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three
watches, marked respectively _L_5, _L_4, and _L_3 10_s._, and laid them
in a row on the counter.

The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of
the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the
watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the
lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me
no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid _L_3 10_s._, and departed.

Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his
return.

"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de
same brice--two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"

* * *

OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT

"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.

"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.

"What flowers are not popular?"

"Wall-flowers, ma'am."

* * *

NATIVE BORN

"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."

"Your head?"

"Yes, yer honour."

"Why don't you speak the English language?"

"I do, yer honour.