SIGHT

An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to
have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a
local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On
receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure
thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the
artist's studio to ask if there was no mistake.

"Is that me?" she queried.

"Yes, madam," replied the artist.

"And is it like me?" she again asked.

"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness."

"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht."

* * *

_Dollie:_ Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear very
well.

_Pollie_ (_kindly_): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has,
I suppose.

* * *

TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER

A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops
and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, so
exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest.
"Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?"

The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!"
she replied. "What else should I be doing?"

For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam,
I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"

* * *

_Officer_ (_to sailor who has rescued him from drowning_): Thank you,
Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.

_Sailor:_ Don't do that, sir, they'll half kill me!

* * *

_Steward:_ Can I do anything for you, sir?

_Passenger_ (_faintly_): You might present my compliments to the chief
engineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up.

* * *

_Lady_ (_to box office manager_): Can you tell me what they are playing
to-morrow night?

* * *

_Box Office Manager:_ "You Never Can Tell," Madam.

_Lady:_ Don't they even let you know?

* * *

_Village Idiot:_ Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're painting the church, I
thought I'd better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast.

* * *

_Employer_ (_rebuking employee for slackness_): Have you any idea of the
meaning of "Esprit