to look at some nice thimbles?"

"I should say not!"

"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.

Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically
inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a
thimble?"

Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it
for a hat."

* * *

The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger
bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done
intentionally.

"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."

"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."

* * *

Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of
hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah
suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."

* * *

BLOOD RELATIONS

_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"

_Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."

* * *

There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and
a cab.

The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well, you can't help it!
You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over
age!"

"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder,
"a'carrying of two lots o' wood--one in yer cart an' the other under yer
blinkin' 'at!"

* * *

SCOTCHED!

A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to
his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,

"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."

"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."

The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's
as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."

"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for
all the parritch I have."

* * *

THE BRUTE!

_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave
me, Archie?"

_Mr. Newlywed:_ "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"

_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."

* * *

THE WHOLE TRUTH

Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during
working hours, when he suddenly