e called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud
tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a message
for you, sir." Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out
of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and
then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a
slip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up."

* * *

A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of
stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The
following dialogue took place:

"You've stolen no chickens?"

"No, sah."

"Have you stolen any geese?"

"No, sah."

"Any turkeys?"

"No, sah."

The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before
the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'd
said ducks you'd 'a' had me."

* * *

A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see
his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents
of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty
trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and
looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort
of thing?"

* * *

THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS

"I can read my husband like a book."

"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."

* * *

"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole
a kiss."

"What did she say?"

"Will that be all?"

* * *

NO KICK COMING

_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a
burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of
its contents.

_Agent:_ Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar?

* * *

NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT

The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local
hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man
lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after
administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he
remarked in cheering tones:

"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's
the way in the world."

"I shall never