UNDERSTOOD

_Mistress:_ "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."

_Maid:_ "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine,
too?"

* * *

ALL BRAINS

A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of
artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation
between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture,
and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat,
looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly:

"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"

"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.

"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of
laughter.

* * *

THIRTEEN TO ONE

Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a
young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had
not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he
would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service,
he announced:

"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"

Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.

* * *

A GOOD ACTOR

_Neighbour:_ "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."

_Farmer:_ "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was
working the last week he was here."

* * *

TOO SAD FOR THAT

A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.

"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.

The innkeeper looked pained.

"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it
with all the calm resignation we can!"

* * *

The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as
if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she
exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would
face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but
that darn dog ain't dead."

* * *

_Wife_ (_enthusiastically_): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day,
dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford----

_Hubby_ (_resignedly_): When have they promised to deliver it?

* *