smile again," replied the youth, sadly.

"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar.

"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's
through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."

* * *

TOO TRUE

_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I
cannot act to-day.

_Manager:_ Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a
certificate saying that you never could act.

* * *

CONSERVATIVE

He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout
boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came
into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty
in getting what he wanted.

A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.

"No, no! Square toes--must have square toes," he insisted.

"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are
fashionable this season."

"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to
leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you
see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"

* * *

HE HAD HEARD OF THEM

It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to
cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him
how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are
wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I
used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck
it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour."
Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the
Himalayas?"

"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George
Washington."

* * *

_Mr. Goodsole:_ "Well, what do you want?"

_Benny the Bum:_ "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I
find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the
traffic to drive aroun' me."

* * *

WHAT DID HE MEAN?

A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to
do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he
reported:

"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay
ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he