* * *

FILM FEVER

_Nurse:_ "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little
boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"

_Guy:_ "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."

* * *

THE DRUGGIST'S TURN

The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.

"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"

"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"

"Yes, but what--"

"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a
prescription filled."

* * *

WRONG BROTHER

A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he
himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.

Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two
young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.

Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an
ordinary tone to the other:

"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"

"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."

* * *

A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy
about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a
practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow,
reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should like you to tell me one
thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive
silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"

* * *

_Doctor:_ "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed
my directions, and that prescription did the business--what, you haven't
taken any of it?"

_Patient:_ "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"

* * *

"And about the salary?" said the movie star.

"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."

"All right."

"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call
it--you will get $500."

* * *

_Prospective Employer:_ I suppose you have some experience of live
stock?

_Applicant for Post:_ Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked
cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canar