*

_Hostess_ (_to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the
cakes_): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you,
John?"

_John:_ "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"

* * *

_Mr. Househunter:_ "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day.
The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."

_Mrs. Househunter:_ "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither
very wide nor very high."

* * *

QUALIFIED

_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"

_The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is."

* * *

CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE

_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter
school wid'm."

_Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked
out by'm onct."

* * *

FROM THE HEART

_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of
the weather."

_The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the
fashion will have changed."

* * *

_The Reporter:_ "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me
what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"

_Sledge-hammer Mike:_ "De solar plexus."

_The Reporter:_ "And er--if you get beaten, what will your--er--weak
spot have been?"

* * *

AN ARGUMENT

"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."

"Why do you say so?"

"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who
are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."

* * *

THE SECRET

_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in being
content with one's lot."

_The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be a whole lot."

* * *

WANTS HER RIGHTS

_He:_ "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest
teacher."

_She:_ "And there is no holding back her salary, either."

* * *

"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be
useful?"

"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's
maid--not a useful maid."

* * *

GETTING BACK