me he won't like, too."

* * *

"Would you marry a man to reform him?"

"What does he do?"

"He drinks."

"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in
our set."

* * *

"I would like to have a globe of the earth."

"What size, madam?"

"Life-size, of course."

* * *

_Wife:_ "George, is that you?"

_George:_ "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"

* * *

_She_ (_tenderly_): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"

_He:_ "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."

* * *

_Jazz:_ "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."

_Beau:_ "Stripped?"

_Jazz:_ "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."

* * *

_Mrs. Newlywed_ (_on her first day's shopping_): "I want two pieces of
steak and--and about half a pint of gravy."

* * *

_Farmer:_ "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"

_Tourist:_ "Well--er--is it ambitious and willing to work?"

* * *

_Papa:_ "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last
night?"

_Daughter:_ "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."

* * *

"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."

"Then why didn't you marry him?"

"I met him again so often."

* * *

_Interviewer:_ "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"

_Stage Manager:_ "Those who have the most to show, of course."

* * *

_She:_ "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"

_He:_ "Er--er--nothing."

_She:_ "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me
unless he means business, d'ye hear?"

* * *

_Foreman:_ "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to
your one?"

_Laborer:_ "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."

* * *

_Lady_ (_in box_): "Can you look over my shoulders?"

_Sailor:_ "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they
are great."

* * *

"How times hav