length
an inquisitive porter asked him what he was staring at.

"Oi was just thinkun'," he said, pulling himself together, "what a
terribal smash there'd 'a' bin if he'd 'a' missed the 'ole!"

* * *

_Breathless Visitor:_ Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones----

_Doctor:_ No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that.

* * *

They were talking over the days that will never return, so they
asserted; the days when there was no thirst in the land. But they had
particular reference to the old state militia camp of long ago. For be
it known, there was much taken to camp in those days that had little to
do with military training, and it was carried in capacious jugs and big
bottles. Everybody expected his city friends to run down to the camp,
and be called upon to act as an assuager of thirst. "The year I have
reference to," said one of the old-timers, "was a notably wet one. The
first night in camp everybody seemed to be bent on sampling what
everybody else had brought down from the city. The result was that when
the company of which I was a member was ordered to fall in the next
morning to answer the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. We
had a new sergeant--new to the routine of a camp, and after he had
checked up he should have reported, 'Sir, the company is present and
accounted for.' Instead he got rattled and said, 'Sir, the company is
full.' Our captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, 'I should
say as much, full as a tick.'"

* * *

READY AND WILLING

_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?"

_Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor,
when the police interfered."

* * *

An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he
should do. Shaking his head, he was about to leave the office, when the
doctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me." "Pay you
fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling
out. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."

* * *

An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time
his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions.
He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were th