* * *

_Child:_ "Mother, I _have_ been good to-day--so patient with Nurse."

* * *

The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils
listened with respectful attention until he came to his final
instruction.

"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain
cool."

* * *

_Wife:_ "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of
buying for yourself."

_Husband_ (_as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks_): "Yes,
dear, and you have succeeded."

* * *

_Podger_ (_to new acquaintance_): "I wonder if that fat old girl is
really trying to flirt with me?"

_Cooler:_ "I can easily find out by asking her--she is my wife."

* * *

_Young Husband:_ "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong
with this cake."

_The Bride_ (_smiling triumphantly_): "That shows what you know about
it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."

* * *

_Wife_ (_referring to guest_): "He's a most attractive man; is he
married?"

_Husband:_ "I dunno. He's a reserved chap--keeps all his troubles to
himself!"

* * *

Questioning a class, an inspector asked:

"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be
right?"

"No, sir," was the reply.

"And why not?"

"Please, sir, because you wasn't."

* * *

_Salesman:_ "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is
fool-proof."

_Sweet Thing_ (_placidly_): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you
don't know my husband."

* * *

_The Stage Manager:_ "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."

_The New Hand:_ "Wot yer talkin' about--'run up the curtain'--think I'm
a bloomin' squirrel?"

* * *

_Old Gentleman_ (_to new gardener_): "Why do you always pull your barrow
instead of pushing it?"

_The Gardener:_ "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."

* * *

"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"

"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."

"But it's _pouring_! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to go