* * *

HE WAS WRONG

_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for
strong drink that brought you here?"

_Prisoner:_ "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the
last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink."

* * *

OPENING FATHER'S EYES

"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"

"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.

"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now,
for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but you
don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and----"

"Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason the
steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters
without you knowing it."

* * *

NICE

She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she
was getting on.

"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint
account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque."

"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in
equal sums?"

"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and
I draw it out!"

* * *

NOT NEEDED

_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"

_Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av
night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"

* * *

SHE COULD USE HIM

"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and
shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at
hard labour."

"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court
room, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away from
home, but let dat hard labour stand."

* * *

DECLINED WITH THANKS

Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that
quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't
get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking
matters over, Brown decided to reform.

After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to
keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited
until four o'clock before he called him for breakfa