the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."

* * *

_Pompous Publisher_ (_to aspiring novice in literature_): I have been
reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I
think--ahem!--very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you
should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.

_Youthful Authoress_ (_wishing to show herself most ready to accept
advice_): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have
given you trouble?

* * *

FISHY RECORD

_First Stenog._ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles
on a galleon!"

_Second Stenog.:_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about
them foreign cars."

* * *

A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full
eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.

"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"

* * *

"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."

"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."

* * *

_Lady:_ Well, what do you want?

_Tramp:_ Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the
front----

_Lady_ (_with interest_): Really----

_Tramp:_ Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round
to the back.

* * *

"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a
consultation."

"Of doctors?"

"Of dressmakers."

* * *

"You discharged your office boy?"

"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and
look wise."

"I guess you've seen the last of him."

"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency
expert."

* * *

"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"

"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on
it--such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."

* * *

PERFECT AGREEMENT

_Mother:_ "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you
agree once in a while?"

_Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do
I."