those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink
and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more."

* * *

"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked
up?"

"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up."

* * *

_The Aristocrat_ (_returning to school_): My ancestors came over with
William the Conqueror.

_The New Girl:_ That's nothing! _My_ father came over in the same boat
with Mary Pickford!

* * *

It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the
Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled to
enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a car
do you own?"

"A Packard," was the reply.

"All right," said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians."

The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand
over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge,
who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little
individual came along.

"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question.

"A Ford," was the answer.

"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian
Scientists."

* * *

_The Housewife:_ My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself for
a year.

_The Hobo:_ Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats.

* * *

_The Professor:_ A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as
it will cut glass.

_The Cynic:_ Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression
on a woman's heart.

* * *

_Boss:_ What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here or
am I?

_Jones:_ I know I'm not the manager.

_The Boss:_ Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk
like a blamed idiot?

* * *

"Pa, what's an actor?"

"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer
into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a
number of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and
exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'

* * *

"Is she making a rich marriage?"

"I should