* *

"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his
compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would
you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath
stops overflowing through his ceiling?"

* * *

_Old Lady_ (_interrogating her chauffeur's small boy_): "Well, my little
man, and do you know who I am?"

_Small Boy:_ "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's
car."

* * *

_Parent:_ "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not
always 'fair.'"

_Young Hopeful:_ "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm an
ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."

* * *

_Optimist:_ "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."

_Pessimist:_ "No, but they seem so."

* * *

OUR MODERN INFANT

_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a
long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"

_Small Boy:_ "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you
up."

* * *

_Little Girl_ (_to Bride at wedding reception_): "You don't look nearly
as tired as I should have thought."

_Bride:_ "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"

_Little Girl:_ "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running
after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."

* * *

A SUBTLE DISTINCTION

"I say--come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."

"Thanks--but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning,
you know."

* * *

_Specialist_ (_to patient suffering from insomnia_): "And did you try
my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"

_Patient:_ "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and
thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."

* * *

_Neighbor_ (_bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast_): "You're wanted
at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off
yer income-tax."

* * *

_Joan_ (_whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves_):
"Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my
sweets