(_in foreground_): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom
_must_ come to his wedding."

* * *

_Mistress:_ "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."

_Cook:_ "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."

* * *

_Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green
lights_): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."

_Officer:_ "Well, what is it?"

_R. H.:_ "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."

* * *

"Can you play bridge to-night?"

"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."

"What--do you like the stuff?"

"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very
much better than it sounds."

* * *

_Master:_ "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia.
Surely, you've heard me again and again say '_pneu_monia'?"

_Man:_ "Well, Sir, I _'ave_; but I didn't like to correct you."

* * *

_Successful Poultry Farmer:_ "You'd be surprised what a difference these
incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every
week."

_Champion Dog Breeder:_ "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find
names for them all?"

* * *

_Small Boy_ (_who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow_): "I
hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."

* * *

_Mother:_ "Oh, Mary, why _do_ you wipe your mouth with the back of your
hand?"

_Mary:_ "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."

* * *

_Mother_ (_to child who has been naughty_): "Aren't you rather ashamed
of yourself?"

_Child:_ "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I
am."

* * *

A CONSOLING THOUGHT

_Belated Traveller_ (_surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the
station_): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."

* * *

LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES

_Mother:_ "Why, what's the matter, darling?"

_Small daughter_ (_tearfully_): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this
worm to my hen."

_Mother:_ "Then why don't you?"

_Small daughter_ (_with renewed wails_): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm
won't like it."