ad over to him_): "I will not
sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion
in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in
the High Street."

* * *

"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the
bed and hurry or we shall be late."

"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a
muvver."

* * *

"You say you doted on your last mistress?"

"Yes, mum. I certainly did."

"Then why did you leave her?"

"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."

* * *

"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or
something?"

"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."

* * *

"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"

"Only wunst."

"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"

"No'm; he should have said twict."

* * *

"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you
have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."

"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is
perfect."

* * *

"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business
and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."

"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And
John, dear----"

"Yes; what is it?"

"Please don't draw to any inside straights."

* * *

_The City Nephew:_ "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly
instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."

_Uncle Talltimber:_ "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the
telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over
our twenty-party line."

* * *

"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you
repeat a verse from the Bible?"

"I'll say I can."

"Well, my dear, let us have it."

"The Lord is my shepherd--I should worry."

* * *

Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London,
and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During
the early part of the dinn