er the steward was noticed to help himself
very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine
disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he
was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the
whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."

* * *

An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor
the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the
satellite.

"It's a' richt," replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "but
it's awfu' fu' o' bunkers."

* * *

"What are you doing, Marjory?"

"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif."

"But, darling, you don't know how to write."

"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read."

* * *

"What sort of an appearing man is he?"

"Little dried-up feller," replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks like
he always ett at the second table."

* * *

"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"

"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."

"No, her husband has lost his hearing."

* * *

Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a new
suit. One asked:

"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"

"Fo'ty dollahs," was the response.

"Fo'ty dollahs?"

"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs."

"Look at me," said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactly
like yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore
flimflammed you."

* * *

The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coat
sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then
straightening up he said:

"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat of
yourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to be
yo' vest.'"

* * *

"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"

"How old are you now?"

"Forty."

"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"

"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't
any vices."

"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"