It's only that I
wish to send my little girl down the street on an errand."

PUNISHMENT

The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil,
received this note in reply:

"Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give you
permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes
jist like his paw you have to lern him with a club please pound nolej
into him i want him to git it don't pay no attenshun to his paw either
i'll handle him."

* * *

The little boy dashed wildly around the corner, and collided with the
benevolent old gentleman, who inquired the cause of such haste.

"I gotta git home fer maw to spank me," the boy panted.

"Bless my soul!" exclaimed the old gentleman, "I can't understand your
being in such a hurry to be spanked."

"I ain't. But if I don't git there 'fore paw, he'll gimme the lickin'."

* * *

The little lad sat on the curb howling lustily. A passer-by halted to
ask what was the matter. The boy explained between howls that his father
had given him a licking. The sympathizer attempted consolation:

"But you must be a little man, and not cry about it. All fathers have to
punish their children sometimes."

The lad ceased howling long enough to snort contemptuously, and to
explain:

"Huh! my paw ain't like other boys' paws. He plays the bass drum in the
band!"

PUNS

"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal
Court.

"Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.

He was seized by an officer and hauled back.

"Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate.

"I'll take the ten dollars," announced the prisoner.

Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to his
opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be
caught and brought back a second time.

The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him
severely, in these words:

"If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have
been chased and refined."

* * *

A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in
the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors
entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited
him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly: