PROCRASTINATION

The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in
accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general
utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith
shop and bring back a drill which had been left there for sharpening.
Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a lapse of half an hour, shuffled
back lazily into view. The indignant foreman called to him sharply:

"Here, you Zeb! Where've you been all this time?"

The darky grinned placatingly.

"Why, boss," he explained, "I hain't been--I'se gwine!"

PROFANITY

The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted
in a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She regarded
him reprovingly, as she demanded:

"My man, where did you learn such awful language?"

"Where did I learn it?" the longshoreman repeated. "Huh! I didn't learn
it, it's a gift."

* * *

The deacon carried a chain to the blacksmith to have a link welded. When
he returned to the shop a few hours later, he saw the chain lying on the
floor, and picked it up. It was just next to red hot, and the deacon
dropped it with the ejaculation:

"Hell!" Then he added hastily: "I like to have said."

PROFITEERS

The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new
country estate.

"And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual
animals--horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth."

"Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you'll have fresh eggs."

"Really, I'm not sure. The hens can work, if they like, but of course in
our position, it's quite unnecessary--er, perhaps not quite suitable,
you know."

* * *

The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whiten
the hands and soften them. Girls who sent the money received the
following directions:

"Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests."

* * *

"Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?" the woman asked
the shopkeeper.

"Absolutely," was the reply. "I shot that crocodile myself."

"But it is badly soiled."

"Well, yes, of course. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell out
of the tree."

* * *

Customer: "But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you
sell them for twent