his mother in tears.

"Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."

"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to
do it?"

"I was pounding it with father's watch?"

DANGER

One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.

DEAD CERTAINTY

On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be
absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend
the funeral of her fiance. The mistress gave the required permission
sympathetically.

"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.

"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet.
The hanging ain't till Friday."

DEAD MEN'S SHOES

When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many
applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the
dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor,
asking:

"Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"

"Not at all," the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker."

DEAFNESS

In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man
addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:

"The show is very good, don't you think?"

The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:

"Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairs
ketches my breath."

"I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his
voice.

Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.

"They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the
ground, which the others ain't."

Now, the young man shouted:

"You're a little deaf, ain't you?"

At last the other understood.

"Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post." He chuckled
contentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I
don't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin'
enough for me."

* * *

An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with
apprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on a
park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The
apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly,
but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listened
intently--in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only
silence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought