o
to spake?"

"No, indeed! Say what you wish to."

"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at the
prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army of
the Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim--I have no wife."

LIES

A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time
observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then,
he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident
that had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to the
following effect:

"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a
farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have
ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow
and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of the
forehead between the ears."

The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation.
Everybody was now wide-awake. He thereupon remarked:

"Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I was telling you the
truth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie,
you are all wide-awake."

LIGHTNING

The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also
afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was
delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly
broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the
elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:

"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that
feathers are splendid non-conductors."

LISP

The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:

"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"

"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes
panth."

LITERAL

The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which
they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what
was really in them. The star production from this command was a
composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It
ran as follows:

"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really
in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes
and my dinner."

LITERALNESS

The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the
village, and inquired:

"Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"

"Yep," the store-keeper ans