"Well, then," Darwin declared, "it is a humbug."

HUMIDITY

The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn
when it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite a
Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school.

"'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou standest
is----'" He halted at a loss.

"Is what, my boy?" asked the father.

"Is damp."

HUMILITY

The slow suitor asked:

"Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"

"Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes,
dearest, I accept."

HUNGER

"That woman never turns away a hungry man."

"Ah, genuinely charitable!"

"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for
a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'"

HUNTING

An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no
game. A friend twitted him with his failure:

"Didn't you shoot anything at all?"

The honest fellow nodded miserably.

"I shot my dog."

"Why?" his questioner demanded. "Was he mad?"

The sportsman shook his head doubtfully.

"Not exactly mad," he asserted; "and not so darned tickled neither!"

IDENTITY

The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange woman
who appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed.

"But, madam," he advised her, "you will have to get some one to
introduce you before I can pay you the money on this check."

The woman stared at him disdainfully.

"Sir!" she said haughtily. "I wish you to understand that I am here
strictly on business. I am not making a social call. I do not care to
know you."

IDIOMS

The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquial
expressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of a
distinguished statesman.

"It would be a great pity," he declared, "if such a splendid man should
kick the ghost."

* * *

The old man told how his brother made a hazardous descent into a well by
standing in the bucket while those above operated the windlass.

"And what happened?" one of the listeners asked as the aged narrator
paused.

The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly, in a tone of sorrowing
reminiscence:

"He kicked the bucket."

ILLUSTRATION

Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at the
saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against
injury, but no sooner w