should say so. Deacon Tracey, who hasn't paid his subscription
for ten years, came in and stopped his paper."

LUNACY

The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the
bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled
the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great
clearness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched fisherman:

"Caught anything?"

The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head glumly.

"How long you been there?" the lunatic next demanded.

"Three hours," was the answer.

The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an invitation:

"Come inside!"

LUXURY

The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave
his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:

"Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say,
'Time for the parade, sir.'

"Then, I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep
again."

LYING

The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:

"I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving
town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the
train and pay him the money."

"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't
want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."

* * *

The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With
tears in her eyes, and a catch in her voice, she sought to impress upon
him the enormity of his offense.

"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who
tell falsehoods?"

The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained
carefully:

"Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head and one eye in the
center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has
told a falsehood, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there
sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another
falsehood, will you, darling? It's wicked!"

Mother's baby boy regarded the speaker with round-eyed admiration.

"Oh, ma," he gurgled, "what a whopper!"

MAIDENS

"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get
married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.

"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men
you're going to marry."

MAIDEN SPEECH

The