plained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning."

"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst of
confidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these
days don't know what he dare eat or drink."

DRUGGED

The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who
had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness.
After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had
made the arrest.

"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has been
drugged."

The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:

"I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to the
station."

DUTY

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed
to the conductor:

"Can't you go any faster than this?"

"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."

EASY LIVING

The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed
eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of
feeling:

"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands
with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our
niggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the
crops--all done by the niggers.... And the selling is done by the
sheriff."

ECONOMY

One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by
opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the
next section, and so on.

The other Japanese registered scorn.

"Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was better taught. I make a fan last a
lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless.
Then I wave my head."

* * *

Wife:--"Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sum
that would keep a man looking shabby."

Husband:--"That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby."

EFFICIENCY

In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses
will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman
interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent
importation from Lapland. The dialogue was as follows:

"Can you do fancy cooking?"

"Naw."

"Can you do plain cooking?"

"Naw."

"Can you sew?"

"Naw."

"Can you do general housework?"

"Naw."

"Make the beds, wash the dishes?"

"Naw."

"Well," cried the woman in