we thought might help to win
the game, so we gave it to the umpire."

BRUTALITY

Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called
the conductor as referee.

"If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will
probably die."

"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly
suffocate." The two glared at each other.

The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a
red nose who sat near. These were:

"First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it.
That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."

BURGLARY

A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents
established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the
mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:

"Guess who sent them."

The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed
in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful
time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the
identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every
article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece
of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the
tickets:

"Now you know!"

CANDOR

Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.

"I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise.

The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered
absent-mindedly:

"Yes, you certainly do."

"Oh, you horrid thing!" Jeanette gasped. "I'll never--never speak to you
again!"

CALMNESS

In Bret Harte's _Mary McGillup_, there is a notable description of
calmness in most trying circumstances.

"'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss
McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer.

"In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the exception of slightly
expectorating twice in the face of the minion I did not betray my
agitation."

CARDS

A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He
left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from
the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two
hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the
grocer.

"Simple enough," was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six of
hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn."

CARELESSNES