retire till the other has crossed."

The Material Interest maintained an unbroken silence and an unwavering
stare.

"In order to avoid a conflict," the Moral Principle resumed, somewhat
uneasily, "I shall myself lie down and let you walk over me."

Then the Material Interest found a tongue, and by a strange coincidence
it was its own tongue. "I don't think you are very good walking," it
said. "I am a little particular about what I have underfoot. Suppose
you get off into the water."

It occurred that way.

The Crimson Candle

A man lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside and
said:

"I am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last proof of
your affection and fidelity, for, according to our holy religion, a
married man seeking admittance at the gate of Heaven is required to swear
that he has never defiled himself with an unworthy woman. In my desk you
will find a crimson candle, which has been blessed by the High Priest and
has a peculiar mystical significance. Swear to me that while it is in
existence you will not remarry."

The Woman swore and the Man died. At the funeral the Woman stood at the
head of the bier, holding a lighted crimson candle till it was wasted
entirely away.

The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine

A Blotted Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said:

"Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the
spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct descendant
of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident of character,
but inhere in the divine order and constitution of things."

When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine rose and
said:

"Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound attention and entire approval
the explanation of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarks
on my own behalf. I, too, have been foully calumniated by our ancient
enemy, the Infamous Falsehood, and I wish to point out that I am made of
the fur of the _Mustela maculata_, which is dirty from birth."

The Ingenious Patriot

Having obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled a
paper from his pocket, saying:

"May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing
armour-plating which no gun can pierce. If these plates are adopted in
the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable, and therefore
invincible. Here, also, are repor