hot him dead.

"Why did you do that, Madam?" inquired a Policeman, sauntering by.

"Because," replied the Married Woman, "he was a wicked man, and had
purchased a ticket to Chicago."

"My sister," said an adjacent Man of God, solemnly, "you cannot stop the
wicked from going to Chicago by killing them."

Father and Son

"My boy," said an aged Father to his fiery and disobedient Son, "a hot
temper is the soil of remorse. Promise me that when next you are angry
you will count one hundred before you move or speak."

No sooner had the Son promised than he received a stinging blow from the
paternal walking-stick, and by the time he had counted to seventy-five
had the unhappiness to see the old man jump into a waiting cab and whirl
away.

The Discontented Malefactor

A Judge having sentenced a Malefactor to the penitentiary was proceeding
to point out to him the disadvantages of crime and the profit of
reformation.

"Your Honour," said the Malefactor, interrupting, "would you be kind
enough to alter my punishment to ten years in the penitentiary and
nothing else?"

"Why," said the Judge, surprised, "I have given you only three years!"

"Yes, I know," assented the Malefactor--"three years' imprisonment and
the preaching. If you please, I should like to commute the preaching."

A Call to Quit

Seeing that his audiences were becoming smaller every Sunday, a Minister
of the Gospel broke off in the midst of a sermon, descended the pulpit
stairs, and walked on his hands down the central aisle of the church. He
then remounted his feet, ascended to the pulpit, and resumed his
discourse, making no allusion to the incident.

"Now," said he to himself, as he went home, "I shall have, henceforth, a
large attendance and no snoring."

But on the following Friday he was waited upon by the Pillars of the
Church, who informed him that in order to be in harmony with the New
Theology and get full advantage of modern methods of Gospel
interpretation they had deemed it advisable to make a change. They had
therefore sent a call to Brother Jowjeetum-Fallal, the World-Renowned
Hindoo Human Pin-Wheel, then holding forth in Hoopitup's circus. They
were happy to say that the reverend gentleman had been moved by the
Spirit to accept the call, and on the ensuing Sabbath would break the
bread of life for the brethren or break his neck in the attempt.

The Man and the Lightning

A Man Running for Of