Keeper of a Zoological garden observed a Man
of Principle crouching beneath the belly of the ostrich, which had drawn
itself up to its full height to sleep.

"Why, my dear sir," said the Keeper, "if you fear to get wet, you'd
better creep into the pouch of yonder female kangaroo--the _Saltarix
mackintosha_--for if that ostrich wakes he will kick you to death in a
minute."

"I can't help that," the Man of Principle replied, with that lofty scorn
of practical considerations distinguishing his species. "He may kick me
to death if he wish, but until he does he shall give me shelter from the
storm. He has swallowed my umbrella."

The Returned Californian

A Man was hanged by the neck until he was dead.

"Whence do you come?" Saint Peter asked when the Man presented himself at
the gate of Heaven.

"From California," replied the applicant.

"Enter, my son, enter; you bring joyous tidings."

When the Man had vanished inside, Saint Peter took his memorandum-tablet
and made the following entry:

"February 16, 1893. California occupied by the Christians."

The Compassionate Physician

A Kind-Hearted Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient afflicted
with an incurable and painful disease, heard a noise behind him, and
turning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of a wounded mouse to
drag itself out of the room.

"You cruel beast!" cried he. "Why don't you kill it at once, like a
lady?"

Rising, he kicked the cat out of the door, and picking up the mouse
compassionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head.
Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient, the Kind-hearted
Physician administered a stimulant, a tonic, and a nutrient, and went
away.

Two of the Damned

Two Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a blasted
heath in the light of a struggling moon.

"I wish you a merry Christmas," said the First Blighted Being, in a voice
like that of a singing tomb.

"And I you a happy New Year," responded the Second Blighted Being, with
the accent of a penitent accordeon.

They then fell upon each other's neck and wept scalding rills down each
other's spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of Ineffable
Bosh. For one of these accursed creatures was the First of January, and
the other the Twenty-fifth of December.

The Austere Governor

A Governor visiting a State prison was implored by a Convict to pardon
him.

"What a