he's dead! The illigant baste wint an' swallowed a
tape-measure!"

"Oh, I see! He died by inches, then?"

"No; begorra, he didn't! He wint round to the back of the house
an' died by the yard!"

* * * * *

"You treat me," cried Mrs. Peck, "as though I was a monkey!"

"Oh, no!" responded H. Peck, "One can train monkeys."

* * * * *

"My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his
verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare not guilty."

* * * * *

"Did the fisherman have frog's legs, Bridget?"

"Sure I couldn't see, mum; he had his pants on."

* * * * *

"A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up
and looked her over and went away."

"He never touched her?"

"No. He was a man-eating shark."

* * * * *

GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?"

PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world."

"Why how is that?"

"Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?"

* * * * *

"See here, sir," remonstrated the young gentleman, "I got up to
give my seat to the lady, not to you."

"Ach, dat's all right. She's my vife," he responded placidly. And
he kept the seat.

* * * * *

"My son," said the good old man, "if you only work hard enough
when you undertake a thing, you're bound to be at the top when
you've finished."

"But suppose I undertake to dig a well?"

* * * * *

"Did you have any trouble with black ants in Ireland, Bridget?"

"No, ma'am, but I had some trouble onc't with a white uncle."

* * * * *

"There's a young woman who makes little things count."

"How does she do it?"

"Teaches arithmetic in a primary school."

* * * * *

"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand
soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all
about it."

* * * * *

"What did you wear last night?" asked the celery. "A lovely
mayonnaise," replied the lettuce. "And you?" "Never was so
mortified in all my life; I wasn't dressed at all," said the
celery; and the beet blushed.

* * * * *

A woman never fully understands the hardness