* * *

HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on
myself?

POST OFFICE ASSISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma'am; it
will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter.

* * * * *

My dentist has an eagle eye
And vicious tools he hacks with,
He's clever, but I've come to think
He'd make a better blacksmith.

* * * * *

"Well, I see Admiral Dewey's rank is reduced."

"What is he, a commodore?"

"No."

"A captain?"

"No."

"Well, what is he?"

"Mrs. Dewey's second mate."

* * * * *

"Well, have you anything to say?" asked the Judge.

The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room
rather fearfully.

"That depends," he answered at last "Is my wife in the room?"

* * * * *

"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in
school?"

"Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns'."

"How dreadful! And why do they call you that?"

"Cause in our class, you know, I'm always at the foot."

* * * * *

"Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross."

* * * * *

"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster.

"He will be out in a few days."

"Is his rheumatism done gone?"

"Well, not perzackly. Dar's room for improvement yit."

"Yes, I've heerd some rheumers ter dat effec'."

* * * * *

--"When Mrs. Riley died she left $40,000 sewed up in her bustle."

--"Dear me! That's a lot of money to leave behind."

* * * * *

"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of
gravitation and attraction of cohesion?"

"Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to
the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up
again."

* * * * *

DOCTOR--You are fagged out; you must give up all headwork.

PATIENT--Why, that spells ruin! I'm a hair-dresser!

* * * * *

After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is
useless to tell him that talk is cheap.

* * * * *

"My dear, what makes you always yawn?"
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
"Is home so dull and