b you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?"

"Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?"

"Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed."

* * * * *

"Why is a kiss like the three graces?"

"Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old
maid."

* * * * *

"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things,
"when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to
practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't."

* * * * *

"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one
should never judge by appearances."

"That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls
usually have the most money."

* * * * *

"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'"

"No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was
smoking it."

* * * * *

"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim
Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings."

"What did you have?"

"Three aces, jedge, and----"

"What did Jim do?"

"Jim, he drew."

"What did he draw?"

"He drew a razzer, jedge."

* * * * *

"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?"

"Yes, husband."

"Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"

* * * * *

"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the
lawyer.

"Absolutely certain," assented the witness.

"You swear that this is true?"

"I do."

"Would you bet on it?"

"Er--well--yes, if I got the right odds."

* * * * *

"Where did you get that hair on your coat?"

"From the head of the bed."

* * * * *

MR. B.--"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new
baby, will you?"

MRS. B.--"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold."

* * * * *

SHE--"You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day?"

HE--"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times."

SHE--"And what are you putting the oil on it for?"

HE--"To stop it stopping."

* * * * *

"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes."

"Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze."

* * *