ey can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked
the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal
umpires. One life for each inning."

* * * * *

"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I
could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police
force."

* * * * *

He was a genial, smiling man
And fond of whisky plain,
But when he joined the temperance club,
He never smiled again.

* * * * *

She wants to be punctual, always on time,
So carries her watch where she goes.
And if you examine her wardrobe you'll find
She even has clocks on her hose.

* * * * *

MERCHANT (to his confidential clerk)--Here's a letter from Mr.
Slowpay, but no money. What's the matter with him?

CLERK--Oh, he's all write.

"Who's all write?"

"Slowpay."

But they didn't cheer any, for there's no cheer in such writing.

* * * * *

"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I
advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case."

"Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but--er--circumstances alter cases,
you know."

* * * * *

VISITOR--"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly
want a cracker?"

PARROT--"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I look."

* * * * *

"Dear," said the physician's wife, "when can you let me have ten
dollars?"

"Well," replied the medical man. "I hope to cash a draft
shortly."

"Cash a draft? What draft?"

"The one I saw old Jenkins sitting in this morning."

* * * * *

NEWLYWED-"What do bachelors know about women?"

OLDBACH-"Lots; otherwise they would not be bachelors."

* * * * *

"And did you never kiss a girl under the mistletoe?"

"Well, no; its pleasanter to kiss her under the nose."

* * * * *

WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling?

HUSBAND--No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it.

"For what reason?"

"Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig up your body."

"How will the planting of violets upon my grave prevent them from
digging me up?"

"Your grave will be kept inviolate, of course."

* *