her ears
And this is what she heard:

"Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?"
Asked the onion of the hash,
"I'm jealous of the potato,
Because he's got a mash.

"He is stuck on the honeycomb,
And suits her to a tea,
I used to be in love myself,
But the cream has soured on me."

* * * * *

"Why do you call your dog hardware?"

"Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door."

* * * * *

HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle
player.

WIFE--Why?

HUSBAND--Because it is a great melter.

* * * * *

HE: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy.

SHE: Why? Because I am "so sweet?"

HE: No! "Fresh every hour."

* * * * *

LANDLADY (proudly)--Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make
hash out of everything that's left over.

BOARDER--(musingly)--But what do you do with the hash that's left
over?

LANDLADY--Re-hash it!

* * * * *

"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial
I'm sure you will never use any other."

"Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less
fatal."

* * * * *

"Do you know, George, Papa thinks you are a literary man."

"Where did he get that idea?"

"I don't know, but he said you looked just like a bookmaker."

* * * * *

STUDENT--Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a
conclusion?

PROFESSOR--Take a train of thought, my boy.

* * * * *

SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer
loses his nerve.

JONES--The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter!

* * * * *

"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?"

"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her
shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers."

* * * * *

COURTNEY--When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on
your knees?

BARCLAY--No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them.

* * * * *

KICKSY--Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen?

MRS. KICKSY--No, dear, why is it?

KICKSY--Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it
yesterday.