--You don't believe in divorce, then?

Hayter--No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood.

Lovett--What has that to do with it?

Hayter--I believe in a fight to the finish.

* * * * *

Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a
juror where the penalty is death?"

Boston Talesman: "I have."

Lawyer: "What, is your objection?"

Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die."

* * * * *

Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right
at him when he called "three balls!"

* * * * *

"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he
has ever sold before in an entire season."

"That proves what I have contended right along."

"What's that?"

"That prohibition does not prohibit."

* * * * *

Alas, for all their ecstasy,
They knew not what was best:
The young man reached the front door,
The old man did the rest.

* * * * *

"Paw, can an honest man play poker?"

"Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything."

* * * * *

If Pearl Street is crooked;
Is Union Square?

* * * * *

"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?"

"Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends."

"By death or marriage?"

"Neither. I loaned them money."

* * * * *

Little Mary, quite contrary,
How does your appetite grow?
Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail,
And a "friend" to supply all the dough!

* * * * *

HE--Then I am to understand that you have given me the mitten, as
it were?

SHE--You have said it.

HE--And is this all?

SHE--Of course it is. What more do you want--a pair of socks?

* * * * *

"Hey, boy, where's your brother?"

"In the barn, shoein' horses."

"Where's your mother?"

"In the back yard, shooin' chickens."

"Where's your father?"

"In the hammock, shooin' flies."

* * * * *

"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made
up----"

"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that
your mind, at least, was your own!"

* * * * *

CUSTOMER: "You have a sign in your w