and, when the driver begins to bat 'em out around sixty per, a
music-box under the seat begins to play 'Nearer, My God, to Thee.'"

VULNERABLE

A visiting minister, preaching in a town famous for its horse races,
vigorously denounced the sport. The principal patron of the church
always attended the races, and of this the clergyman was later informed.

"I am afraid I touched one of your weaknesses," said the pastor, not
wishing to offend the wealthy one, "but it was quite unintentional, I
assure you."

"Oh, don't mind that," said the sportsman genially. "It's a mighty poor
sermon that don't hit me somewhere."

MISLEADING

Johnson, a bachelor, had been to call on his sister, and was shown the
new baby. The next day some friends asked him to describe the new
arrival. The bachelor replied: "Um--very small features, clean shaven,
red faced, and a very hard drinker!"

A SOFT ANSWER

The ocean liner was rolling like a chip, but as usual in such instances
one passenger was aggressively, disgustingly healthy.

"Sick, eh?" he remarked to a pale-green person who was leaning on the
rail.

The pale-green person regarded the healthy one with all the scorn he
could muster. "Sick nothing!" he snorted weakly. "I'm just hanging over
the front of the boat to see how the captain cranks it!"

BALLS

A young married couple who lived near a famous golf-course were
entertaining an elderly aunt from the depths of the country.

"Well, Aunt Mary, how did you spend this afternoon?" asked the hostess
on the first day.

"Oh, I enjoyed myself very much," replied Auntie with a beaming smile,
"I went for a walk across the fields. There seemed to be a great many
people about, and some of them shouted to me in a most eccentric manner,
but I just took no notice. And, by the way," she went on, "I found such
a number of curious little round white things. I brought them home to
ask you what they are."

JOE'S DIAGNOSIS

A colored man entered the general store of a small Ohio town and
complained to the storekeeper that a ham that he had purchased there a
few days before had proved not to be good.

"The ham is all right, Joe," insisted the storekeeper.

"No, it ain't, boss," insisted the other. "Dat ham's sure bad."

"How can that be," continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured only
last week?"

Joe reflected solemnly a moment, and then suggested:

"Maybe it's done had a relapse."

PURELY LITERARY

A celebrated au