ave been so busy all day that I almost
forgot to get married!"

WELCOMING THE ACTOR

A well-known society performer volunteered to entertain a roomful of
patients of the Colney Hatch Lunatic Asylum, and made up a very
successful little monologue show, entirely humorous. The audience in the
main gave symptoms of being slightly bored, but one highly intelligent
maniac saw the whole thing in the proper light, and, clapping the
talented actor on the shoulder, said: "Glad you've come, old fellow. You
and I will get along fine. The other dippies here are so dashed
dignified. What I say is if a man is mad, he needn't put on airs about
it."

COULDN'T BE BOTHERED

Mose approached the registration booth hesitatingly, and being accosted
by the official in charge, assured that dignitary that he had just
walked ten miles to register.

"Well, Mose, what branch of the service would you like to be placed
in?" inquired the official.

"How about the cavalry?"

"What will Ah have ter do in de calvary?"

"Oh, you won't have to do anything but ride a horse all the time."

Mose scratched his woolly noggin in perplexity for a few moments, and
finally said: "Nawssur, Ah don't believe Ah wants ter jine the calvary."

"What's the matter with the cavalry, Mose?"

"Well, yer see, boss, hit's jest like dis: When y'awl blow dem bugles
ter retreet, Ah don't want ter be troubled wid no hoss."

THEIR "BIT"

Jimmie, very proud of his first job and weekly salary of $6.83,
purchased a Liberty Bond on the installment plan. That evening he saw in
the newspaper that John D. Rockefeller had invested in Liberty Bonds to
the extent of $10,000,000.

Turning to his mother, Jimmie said proudly, "Well, ma, two of us
Americans have done our duty, anyhow."

MISTAKES WILL HAPPEN

A woman doctor of Philadelphia was calling on a young sister, recently
married, who was in distress. In response to the doctor's inquiry the
newly-wed said:

"I cooked a meal for the first time yesterday, and I made an awful mess
of it."

"Never mind, dearie," said the doctor, cheerfully; "it's nothing to
worry about. I lost my first patient."

DANGER SIGNALS

An ingenious American has invented a device to prevent such motoring
accidents as arise from over-speeding. He describes his contrivance as
follows:

"While the car is running fifteen miles an hour a white bulb shows on
the radiator, at twenty-five miles a green bulb appears, at forty a red
bulb,