e arrival of Americans in France!"

UP TO HIM

David Belasco was smiling at the extravagant attentions that are
lavished by the rich upon pet dogs. He spoke of the canine operations
for appendicitis, the canine tooth crownings, the canine wardrobes, and
then he said:

"How servants hate these pampered curs! At a house where I was calling
one cold day the fat and pompous butler entered the drawing-room and
said:

"'Did you ring, madam?'

"'Yes, Harrison, I wish you to take Fido out walking for two hours.'

"Harrison frowned slightly. 'But Fido won't follow me, madam,' he said.

"'Then, Harrison, you must follow Fido.'"

NOT IN THE TACTICS

A company of very new soldiers were out on a wide heath, practising the
art of taking cover. The officer in charge of them turned to one of the
rawest of his men.

"Get down behind that hillock there," he ordered, sternly, "and mind,
not a move or a sound!"

A few minutes later he looked around to see if they were all concealed,
and, to his despair, observed something wriggling behind the small
mound. Even as he watched the movements became more frantic.

"I say, you there!" he shouted, angrily, "do you know you are giving our
position away to the enemy?"

"Yes, sir," said the recruit, in a voice of cool desperation, "and do
you know that this is an anthill?"

A GUILTY CONSCIENCE

A young fellow who was the crack sprinter of his town--somewhere in the
South--was unfortunate enough to have a very dilatory laundress. One
evening, when he was out for a practice run in his rather airy and
abbreviated track costume, he chanced to dash past the house of that
dusky lady, who at the time was a couple of weeks in arrears with his
washing.

He had scarcely reached home again when the bell rang furiously and an
excited voice was wafted in from the porch:

"Foh de Lawd's sake! won't you-all tell Marse Bob please not to go out
no moh till I kin git his clo'es round to him?'"

MAKING IT FIT

"Did you hear about the defacement of Mr. Skinner's tombstone?" asked
Mr. Brown a few days after the funeral of that eminent captain of
industry.

"No, what was it?" inquired his neighbor curiously.

"Someone added the word 'friends' to the epitaph."

"What was the epitaph?"

"'He did his best.'"

A LESSON IN MANNERS

This is the way the agent got a lesson in manners. He called at a
business office, and saw nobody but a prepossessing though
capable-appearing young wo