ather had enthered me f'r a martial career instead iv tachin' me
be precipt an' example to be quick on me feet. In these days whin
a man gets to be a gin'ral because he's been a long time a doctor
or because he's supprissed a naygur rite, 'tis me that wud go
boundin' up to th' top iv th' laddher.

"'Janooary wan, Private Dooley distinguished himsilf at th' Battle
iv Ogoowan in th' island iv Samar be rushin' out in a perfect hell
iv putty-balls, rice, arrers, an' harsh cries, an' seizin' th'
gin'ral iv th' Tamalese an' batin' him over th' head with his own
bean-blower.

"'Janooary twinty: Colonel Dooley iv th' hunderth an' eighth
Macabebee scouts yisterdah administhered th' best an' muddyest
part iv th' Gingong river to Gin'ral Alfico Bim in th' prisince
iv a large an' smilin' audjeence. Th' ribil had rayfused to
communicate his plans to th' gallant colonel, but afther he had
had sufficient irrigation his conversation was more extinded. So
was th' gin'ral.

"'Feb'ry eighth: Gin'ral Dooley, th' hayro iv th' Ph'lippeens who
is at home with a large spleen which he got into him in our beautiful
island possissions made a speech before th' Locoed club las' night.
He said we shud niver give up th' Ph'lippeens which had been
wathered be some iv th best blood in our land--he might say all.
He didn't know much about th' constichoochion, but fr'm what he
heerd about it fr'm a man in his rig'mint who cud spell, it wasn't
intinded f'r use out iv coort. He thought no wan shud be ilicted
to congress undher th' rank iv major. There was much talk iv
pro-gress in lithrachoor an' science which he was in favor iv
hangin'. All th' army needed was rope enough an' all wud be well.
Th' Supreme Coort was all right but if ye wanted justice hot out
iv th' oven, ye shud see it administhered be three or four laughin'
sub-alturns on th' stumps iv threes, jus' afther lunch.

"'March eighth: Prisidint Dooley, chafin' at th' delay in th' Sinit
requirin' all civilyans to submit their opinyons on th' tariff to
th' neighborin' raycruitin' sergeant wanst a week, wint over to
th' capitol this mornin' with a file iv sojers an' arristed th'
anti-administhration foorces who are now locked up in th' barn
back iv th' White House. Th' prisidint was severely lacerated be
Sinitor Tillman durin' th' encounther.'

"Yes, sir, I'd like to be a sojer. I want to be a military man.
An' yet I niver wanted to be a polisman. 'Tis sthrange, too, f'r
if ye thin