d pipe is dug up in ye'er
back yard be a rayporther who knew it was there because he helped
ye bury it. A man knocks at ye'er dure arly wan mornin' an' ye
answer in ye'er nighty. 'In th' name iv th' law, I arrist ye,'
says th' man seizin' ye be th' throat. 'Who ar-re ye?' ye cry.
'I'm a rayporther f'r th' Daily Slooth,' says he. 'Phottygrafter,
do ye'er jooty!' Ye're hauled off in th' circylation wagon to th'
newspaper office, where a con-fission is ready f'r ye to sign;
ye're thried be a jury iv th' staff, sintinced be th' iditor-in-chief
an' at tin o'clock Friday th' fatal thrap is sprung be th' fatal
thrapper iv th' fam'ly journal.

"Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce
an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, conthrols th' ligislachure,
baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted,
afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.
They ain't annything it don't turn its hand to fr'm explaining
th' docthrine iv thransubstantiation to composin' saleratus biskit.
Ye can get anny kind iv information ye want to in ye'er fav'rite
newspaper about ye'ersilf or annywan else. What th' Czar whispered
to th' Imp'ror Willum whin they were alone, how to make a silk
hat out iv a wire matthress, how to settle th' coal sthrike, who
to marry, how to get on with ye'er wife whin ye're married, what
to feed th' babies, what doctor to call whin ye've fed thim as
directed,--all iv that ye'll find in th' pa-apers.

"They used to say a man's life was a closed book. So it is but
it's an open newspaper. Th' eye iv th' press is on ye befure ye
begin to take notice. Th' iditor obsarves th' stork hoverin' over
th' roof iv 2978 1/2 B Ar-rchey Road an' th' article he writes
about it has a wink in it. 'Son an' heir arrives f'r th' Hon'rable
Malachi Hinnissy,' says th' pa-aper befure ye've finished th'
dhrink with th' doctor. An' afther that th' histhry iv th'
offspring's life is found in th' press:

"'It is undhershtud that there is much excitement in th' Hinnissy
fam'ly over namin' th' lates' sign. Misther Hinnissy wishes it
called Pathrick McGlue afther an uncle iv his, an' Mrs. Hinnissy
is in favor iv namin' it Alfonsonita afther a Pullman car she seen
wan day. Th' Avenin Fluff offers a prize iv thirty dollars f'r
th' bes' name f'r this projeny. Maiden ladies will limit their
letters to three hundherd wurruds.'

"'Above is a snap shot iv young Alfonsonita McGlue Hinni