ughin' an' givin' th' burglar
a chance to lave with dignity, this man got up an' was kilt. Now
th' pa-apers with th' assistance iv th' officers iv th' law has
discovered that th' lady took a boat ride with a gintleman frind
in th' summer iv sixty-two, that she wanst quarreled with her
husband about th' price iv a hat, that wan iv her lower teeth is
plugged, that she wears a switch an' that she weeps whin she sees
her childher. They'se a moral in this. It's ayether don't wake
a man up out iv a sound sleep, or don't get out iv bed till ye
have to, or don't bother a burglar whin ye see he's busy, or kill
th' iditor. I don't know which it is.

"Willum Jennings Bryan is readin' me frind Grover Cleveland out
iv th' party. He's usin' the Commoner to read him out. That's a
sure way.

"Mary MeLane has been in town. I didn't see her, me place not
bein' a raysort f'r th' young an' yearnin', an' especially me
duckin' all lithry ladies iv whativer sex. Mary McLane is th'
author iv a book called: 'Whin I am older I'll know betther.' Ye
ought to read it, Hinnissy.

"Th' Newport season is opened with gr-reat gayety an' th' aim
iv rayturnin' husbands is much more sure.

"Gin'ral Bragg fr'm up in Wisconsin has been gettin' into throuble
with our haughty allies, th' Cubians, he writin' home to his wife
that ye might as well thry to make a whistle out iv a pig's tail
as a dacint man out iv a Cubian. Gin'ral Bragg will be bounced
an' he ought to be. He don't belong in pollytics. His place is
iditor iv a losin' newspaper.

"Gov'nor Taft has been in Rome showin' th' wurruld how succissful,
sthraightforward, downright, outspoken, manly, frank, fourteen
ounces to th' pound American business dalings can be again' th'
worn-out di-plomacy iv th' papal coort. Whin last heerd fr'm
this astoot an' able man, backed up be th' advice iv Elihoo Root
iv York state, was makin' his way tow'rd Manila on foot, an' siv'ral
mimbers iv th' colledge iv cardinals was heerd to regret that
American statesmen were so thin they cudden't find anything to
fit thim in his thrunk.

"Cholera is ragin' in th' Ph'lippeens vice Gin'ral Jake Smith,
raymoved.

"Th' stock market is boomin' an' business has become so dull
elsewhere that some iv th' best known outside operators ar-re
obliged to increase th' depth iv th' goold coatin' on th' brick
to nearly an inch.

"Th' capital iv th' nation has raymoved to Eyesther Bay, a city
on th' north shore iv Long