has no throuble
to find a man. Nex' to bein' invited on a private yacht to sail
in th' Middyteranyan, th' nicest thing a millyonaire can do f'r
ye is to make an Artic explorer iv ye. Th' prelim'naries is great
spoort. F'r two years ye go round th' counthry letchrin' on 'What
I will see in th' Artic regions whin I get there if at all.' Fin'lly
ye set off with th' fleet, consistin' iv a ship f'r ye'ersilf,
three f'r th' provisions, two f'r th' clothes an' wan f'r th'
diaries. They'se also a convoy. Th' business iv th' convoy is
to dhrop in at Thromsoe in Norway an' ast f'r news iv ye. Thromsoe
is wan iv th' farthest north places that anny explorer has been.
But it well repays a visit, bein' a thrivin', bustlin' Swede city
with a good club. Afther th' long sthruggle with th' pitiliss ice
machine it is very pleasant to dhrop in on this hospital community
an' come back that night be thrain. Well, as I was sayin', wan
explorer starts off in a fur suit an' has th' time iv his life an'
th' other explorer stays at home an' suffers th' crool hardships
an' bitther disapp'intments iv life in Brooklyn. Lashed to his
rockin' chair, he shivers ivry time th' wind blows an' he thinks
iv his hardy partner facin' th' purls iv that far-off region iv
ice an' snow an' funny little Esqueemo women in union garments iv
fur. 'He's in Greenland now; he's battlin' with th' deadly ice
floe; now he's rasslin' with a Polar bear; he's up; he's away;
he's reached th' Pole; he's pullin' it up be th' roots; bravo
Baldy!' An' so he goes till his hands is all chapped fr'm thinkin'
iv th' cold an' his leg is lame fr'm th' encounther with a Polar
bear an' his rockin' chair is in danger iv bein' dashed to pieces
again' th' threacherous pianny. An' wan day a message comes fr'm
th' other explorer: 'Rio Janeiro. We have rayturned, baffled but
not defeated. Th' pickled walnuts give out befure we reached th'
West Indies. As far as we've gone we've had excellent raysults.
Th' cap'n, th' mate, th' cook, th' stewart an' eighty per cint iv
th' crew is in ir'ns an' as soon as I've got this tillygram off
I'm goin' in to punch th' surgeon. I congratylate ye. Ye'er name
will stand high among th' binnyfactors iv science. We have
demonsthrated beyond fear iv conthrydiction that th' gulf sthream
is jus' where it was an' that volcanoes ain't what they are cracked
up to be. Our motto is: "Niver give up th' ship. It's too
comfortable." Who's ye'er banker he