it
keeps th' temper. 'Twas intinded as a compromise between runnin'
away an' fightin'. Befure it was invinted they was on'y th' two
ways out iv an argymint."

"But I've heerd ye say a man was swearin' mad," said Mr. Hennessy.

"He wasn't fightin' mad, thin," said Mr. Dooley.

The War Game

What's this here war game I've been readin' about?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.

"It's a kind iv a blind man's buff," said Mr. Dooley. "It's a
thrile iv cunnin' an' darin' between th' army an' th' navy. Be
manes iv it we tarn whether th' inimy cud sneak into Boston afther
dark without annywan seein' thim an' anchor in Boston common. Ye
an' I know diff'rent, Hinnissy. We know how manny people are in
th' sthreets afther dark. But th' navy don't know an' th' army
don't know. Their idee is that a German fleet might gum-shoe up
th' harbor in th' dark iv th' moon an' whin people turned out f'r
their mornin' dhram, there wud be th' Impror Willum atin' his
breakfast iv Hungayrian Goolash an' noodle soup on th' steps iv
th' State House iv Matsachoosetts. But it's a gran' game. I'd
like to play it mesilf. It's as noisy as forty-fives between
Connock men an' as harmless as a steeryopticon letcher. If war
an' th' war game was th' same thing, I'd be an admiral, at laste,
be this time with me face gashed an' seamed be raspberry jam an'
me clothes stained with English breakfast tea.

"Th' navy chose to be th' inimy an' 'twas th' jooty iv th' navy
to divastate th' New England coast. On th' other hand, th' business
iv th' army was to catch th' navy at its neefaryous wurruk an' tag
it befure it cud get its fingers crost. To play th' game well,
th' navy must act as much like an inimy as it can an' th' army
must pretind to be jus' as cross at th' navy as it is whin they
are both on the same side. Frindship ceases whin they set in.

"It's a hard game to follow if ye're lookin' on an' puttin' up th'
money as I am. I've been readin' about it in th' pa-apers an' I
can't make out now whether th' inimy is lootin' th' breweries iv
Conneticut or whether th' definders iv our hearths has blown thim
up in th' harbor iv New London. 'I have th' honor to rayport,'
says Admiral Higginson, 'that I have this day desthroyed all th'
forts on th' New England coast, put th' definders to rout with
gr-reat slaughter an' kilt with me own hands Gin'ral McArthur th'
Commander iv th' lan' foorces--a brave man but no match f'r ye'ers
thruly. His las' w