urruds to me was "Higginson, ye done well!" I
rayturned him his soord with th' wurruds: "Gin'ral, between two
brave men there can be no hard feelin's." Th' battle in which me
gallant foe met his fate was th' con-clusion iv wan iv th' mos'
successful socyal an' naval campaigns in th' histhry iv our counthry.
I have th' honor to inform ye that promptly on th' declaration
iv war, I give an afthernoon tea to th' Duchess iv Marlborough.
Th' forts at Newport attimpted to reply, but was unable to scoor
more thin three or four westhren millyonaires an' soon succumbed
to th' inivitable. I thin moved up th' Sound an' fell upon Gin'ral
McArthur whin he wasn't lookin'. Befure he cud load his guns, we
poored a perfect blankety-blank hell iv blank catridges on him.
He made a spirited reply but t'was useless. We outfought him be
nearly fifty thousan' dollars worth iv powdher. In th' mist iv
th' flame an' smoke, I discerned th' caitiff foe standin' on top
iv a fort directin' his wav'rin' foorces. "Hi-spy, Gin'ral McArthur,"
says I in claryon tones, an' th' battle was over to all intints
an' purposes. I have to ispicially commind Cap'n McWhallop who,
findin' his boat caught between th' fires an' th' inimy, called
out: "Lay me down, boys, an' save th' ship. I'm full iv marmylade."
Th' ladies aboord was perfectly delighted with th' valor an'
hospitality iv our men. To-night we completed our wurruk be givin'
a dinner an' hop on boord th' flagship. Among those presint was--'
an' so on.

"That's what th' gallant Higginson says. But listen to what th'
akelly gallant McArthur says: 'I have th' honor to rayport that
mesilf an' me gallant men, but largely if I do say it that shudden't,
mesilf, crushed an' annihilated th' inimy's fleet at high noon
to-day. Las' night at th' first round iv jacks, or midnight, as
civilyans wud say, we rayceived a rayport fr'm our vigylant scouts
that th' inimy were not at Bar Harbor, Pookypsie, Keokuk, Johannesboorg
or Council Bluffs. But where were they? That was th' question.
An idee struck me. War is as much a matther iv ingenooty an'
thought as iv fire an' slaughter. I sint out f'r an avenin' paper
an' as I suspicted, it announced that th' craven foe was about
two blocks away. At that very moment, th' sthrains iv th' "Bloo
Danoob" was wafted to me ears an' me suspicions was confirmed. On
such occasions there is no sleep f'r th' modhren sojer. Napolyon
wud've gone to bed but slumber niver cros