ptain iv industhry stops dhrinkin' at th' bar, he's near his
finish. If he ain't caught in his own person, th' constable will
get to his fam'ly. Ye read about th' union iv two gr-reat
fortunes. A dollar meets another dollar, they are conganial, have
sim'lar tastes, an' manny mutual frinds. They are marrid an' bring
up a fam'ly iv pennies, dimes, thirty-cintses an' countherfeits.
An' afther awhile, th' fam'ly passes out iv circylation. That's
th' histhry iv it,' says Father Kelly. 'An',' says he,' I'm glad
there is a Newport,' he says. 'It's th' exhaust pipe,' he says.
'Without it we might blow up,' he says. 'It's th' hole in th' top
iv th' kettle,' he says. 'I wish it was bigger,' he says."

"Oh, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "we are as th' Lord made us."

"No," said Mr. Dooley, "lave us be fair. Lave us take some iv th'
blame oursilves."

Arctic Exploration

"This here business iv Artic exploration's th' gran' pursoot,"
said Mr. Dooley. "A gran', comfortable, fightin', quarrelin'
business."

"What's it all about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Why shud annywan want
to go to th' North Pole? Ain't it cold enough here?"

"I niver cud quite make it out," said Mr. Dooley. "I've heerd
tell that years ago, befure th' fire or th' war, some wan had an
idee in his foolish head that they was a gran' sea up there with
blue wather dimplin' in th' moonlight an' cocynut threes growin'
on th' shore an' if a man cud on'y get in with his boat, he cud
sail around th' wurruld an' fetch up in Chiny. That idee blew up
an' thin some wan said 'twud be a fine thing f'r science if a white
man cud get to th' North Pole. What he'd do if he got there no
wan has anny thought. Accordin' to what I hear, th' North Pole
ain't like a tillygraft pole, a barber pole, a fishin' pole, a
clothes pole, a poll-tax, a Maypole, a Russhyan Pole, or annything
that ye can see, smell or ate. Whin ye get to it, it is no diff'rent
fr'm bein' annywhere on th' ice. Th' on'y way ye know ye're there
is be consultin' a pocket arithmetic, a watch an' a compass. Don't
get it into ye'er head that if me frind Baldwin or Peary iver wint
north iv Milwaukee an' come acrost th' North Pole they'd carve
their names on it or hist a flag over it or bring it home with
thim on a thruck an' set it up on th' lake front. Th' north pole
is a gigantic column iv cold air, some says hot, an' an enthusyastic
explorer that wasn't lookin' where he wint might pass right thro