RNED IN TWENTY YEARS

Several Scotchmen were discussing the domestic unhappiness of a mutual
friend.

"Aye," said one, "Jock McDonald has a sair time wi' that wife o' his.
They do say they're aye quarrelin'."

"It serve' him richt," said another feelingly. "The puir feckless
creature marrit after coortin' only eight year. Man, indeed, he had nae
chance to ken the wumman in sic a short time. When I was coortin' I was
coortin' twenty year."

"And how did it turn out?" inquired a stranger in the party.

"I tell ye, I was coortin' twenty year, an' in that time I kenned what
wumman was, an' so I didna marry."

BEGINNING EARLY

Jack disliked being kissed, and, being a handsome little chap, sometimes
had a good deal to put up with. One day he had been kissed a lot. Then,
to make matters worse, on going to the picture palace in the evening,
instead of his favorite cowboy and Indian pictures, there was nothing
but a lot more hugging and kissing.

He returned home completely out of patience with the whole tribe of
women.

After he had tucked into bed mother came in to kiss him good-night.

He refused to be kissed.

Mother begged and begged, till in disgust he turned to his father, who
was standing at the doorway looking on, and said:

"Daddy, for the love of Heaven, give this woman a kiss!"

DISCERNING

"Daisy," remarked the teacher, "don't love your cat too much. What would
you do if it died--you wouldn't see it again?"

"Oh, yes; I should see it in heaven."

"No, dear, you're mistaken; animals cannot go to heaven like people."

Daisy's eyes filled with tears, but suddenly she exclaimed triumphantly:

"Animals do go to heaven, for the Bible says the Promised Land is
flowing with milk and honey, and, if there are no animals, where do they
get the milk?"

ROTUND

An elderly woman who was extremely stout was endeavoring to enter a
street car when the conductor, noticing her difficulty, said to her:

"Try sideways, madam; try sideways."

The woman looked up breathlessly and said: "Why, bless ye, I ain't got
no sideways!"

BEYOND THE SENSE OF HUMOR

A Scottish soldier, badly wounded, requested an army chaplain to write a
letter for him to his wife. The chaplain, anxious to oblige, started off
with "My dear Wife--"

"Na, na," said the Scotsman, "dinna pit that doon. Ma wife canna see a
joke."

A NEW COMPLAINT

A German, whose wife was ill at the Seney Hospital, Brooklyn, called the
first